if i had more time…

i would tell you that my soul is being restored
and the aching is fading
to a delicate rhythm
of yes and maybe and
one day you will understand

the silence from a distance does not mean
that i have no opinion on things like
surrender and submission and you
and the all-consuming anger is a reminder
that if i don’t learn to forgive
i will die from this poisonous rage

love wins
remember?
but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, does it?

sometimes it seems like judgment and betrayal has the last word
(or at least an encore performance)
just when i thought i had forgiven and forgotten
i’m reminded of your violent ungrace
and it meets me when i least expect it
like when i’m driving down the road
and i see a truck that looks like yours

if i had more time i would tell you that it doesn’t matter
what’s done is done and there is no undoing
and that’s all there is to say about that

4 thoughts on “if i had more time…

  1. Suicide leaves anger behind. It is so hurtful to those who are left – a horrible combination of guilt and sadness and anger and pain and unanswered questions and finality.

    Your poem is beautiful. I hope peace follows soon.

  2. dear jerry d..i think your poem is beautiful too..it is right from your heart.
    when god restores a person they ARE restored and we mustn't keep looking in to see our so many failures!
    it is such a strange thing that even though that peter got into so many situations that whenever the lord had just a few disciples with him peter was ALWAYS there.
    i am looking forward to meeting him in heaven jerry d and i think it will be nice to meet you and your little family there too.
    there we will never remember our sins and failures because we will be too busy praising the lord!
    what a day that will be, eh jerry d?
    god bless you and your little family…with christian love terry

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